Hostile Take – Overs

I went to attend some church thing recently. Now bro starts talking to me about God and how I view my life. Now to those of you who don’t know the Spartakuss very well, I don’t do church. Haven’t been in a long time. I had made this trip to check out a certain beauty who had floored my wingman.

I walk in, do the tour and then they say ‘one-on-one’ time.

I look at this guy and say

“So………..” he smiles perches himself on a stool and peers at me through a rimless set of glasses. Looks mindless too.

“What do you want to do with your life?” he asks, seemingly amused. I tell him. I am working on a good master plan, to be the best Spartakuss can ever be and thus shatter the Spartakuss mould; which is based on the premise that i will live a valiant life and die an unrecognized death or be an unsung hero.

“I’ll do whatever it is that will make me the best I can be,” comes the clipped reply.

Dude looks at me. Perplexed. Yeah right nigger looks like he just got a bolt of lightning running through his trousers. It’s so funny. I smile and I decide to tell him my theory on God and why for the time-being he and I are on the back burner.

I am the CEO of a company called ‘My Life Ltd. ‘. I hire and fire. I promote and demote. In this company, I am the only one who molests the secretaries and gets away with it. I am also default head of all committees. However, I currently don’t have a planning and budget control committee for the explicit reason that I fired them all. We work as a team, we shine together, numskulls wanted to show me up. The only committee I don’t chair by default is the Pleasure and Satisfaction committee.That’s handled by visiting experts. When Ceremonies committee meets or is receiving awards, the team effort is shared all around. Very synergy-driven, motivated, and one a man fighting arsenal. This company is built to last.

Let me tell you about this God guy on the other had.

He is the CEO of a large conglomerate called ‘The Universe‘ Intergalactic. He runs his business on a nearly tyrannical business model. He, like me can hire and fire. Where I make small talk with the long-legged interns at the water cooler, dude makes chit chat to raven haired women by the spring, asking them to fetch him water and whatnot. He uses extreme manipulation to get his things sorted out.

Like the one guy he sent on a mission to retrieve a posse of his stock. Agent M gets the flock out of the enemy’s territory and then instead of the express pick up train, the CEO decides on another 40 years of wondering while had the mail service deliver pittances in the form of sweet manna. My suspicion is that he didn’t have enough remunerations so he wanted to cut down on numbers. Cut-throat I tell you.

And you can’t judge me for feeling up young nubile things; ask him what happened with the Nazarene debacle. Dude felt up one intern with NO protection!! ! ! Who does that? And then coz the company threatened to fall apart he pulled the plug on a military plan he was working on to promote the aforesaid intern to be the mother of all mothers. Needless to say the Russian woman who has given birth to 59 kids isn’t in the running.

And he is a bully. Its one thing to be insecure, it is another to say “I am a jealous CEO,” or God, whatever you guys wanna call it. Did no one tell this guy that guys with small “things” buy big cars and failed fathers announce their arrival at home? He watched as, in middle management the David kid, a mere rookie rocked an age-old stalwart. I think finance failed to process Goliath’s pension because of such a quick dispatch. And nobody said a thing.

And because of these and so many more reasons I am not interested in any stock this guy’s company has to offer. He will begin talking of kneeling, begging and accountability books. He might even demand I subscribe to the nearest stock broker, who, going by current news might attempt to pulveroize my sphincter. My company is in good shape on any stock market, ask my Auditor. He, on the other hand needs to get his Climate Change, Middle East, Bahima legs, Basoga and PMS departments in shape, damn sectors are bleeding too fucking much.[no pun intended]

But more importantly why I won’t even show up to those talks is because he is not interested in talking. He does not talk. He does not do mergers. He does not do splits or reverse-end engineering. He’s in the business of hostile take-overs.

*PS: I gotta give the guy kudos for finally growing a pair and taking care of that Michael scenario. That shit could have harmed the worship market.

15 thoughts on “Hostile Take – Overs

  1. “There's a reason we refer to “leaps of faith” – because the decision to consent to any notion of divinity is a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable, and I don't care how diligently scholars of every religion will try to sit you down with their stacks of books and prove to you through scripture that their faith is indeed rational; it isn't. If faith were rational, it wouldn't be – by definition – faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be… a prudent insurance policy.”


  2. “Dude felt up one intern with NO protection!! ! ! Who does that? And then coz the company threatened to fall apart he pulled the plug on a military plan he was working on to promote the aforesaid intern to be the mother of all mothers.” a tad irreverent, yet really well written like the rest of it. Honestly haven't enjoyed a written allegory like this in a long time. Dude, the last paragraph though, kind of inaccurate, unless the Bible doesn't have the verse that talks about God calling us to “reason together”. CEOs? Fresh way of looking at it…NICE


  3. @rhino: Thanks buddy. Now we are even for all that PR am giving you.
    @princes: not agnostic; just open minded.
    @Ashy: here is what i think about faith in investment companies; it causes collapse, bad decision making and has no safety net. wait isn't that happened to the American economy recently. anyway seriously, i understand the tenets of faith, but you gotta look at the other side; history shows us very clear lessons of who not to trust.
    @Liz; you don't know there must have been a plan to create an army more powerful than David's, a dynasty bigger than Abraham? i think there was a plan, the kid just spoilt it and we ended up being stuck with the Plan C: the peaceful resolution to mankind. initially the project was to have an army big enough to stamp out all opposition. and now look where that led us; aliens are abducting our asses.and for future reference, lets reason together, is not reasoning. its hm talking about his grandmaster plan. trust i've sat at that table before.
    @antipop: pleasure to know something good can come out of Nazareth.


  4. you got alotta learning to do when it comes to God… he runs you too, but he dont run no body, you got a free will. and he aint a manipulator… you got no clue whatever , at all about God the universal CEO


  5. Hehehehehehehehehehehe am laughing real hard in the pews of this Church ths sunday (or is it weekly general meeting to discuss Life with the Board of Directors of Universe Corp.). . .nice piece, though am a bit guilty coz of reading it in Church!


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