I went out a few nights ago to see what the town had become like in the long time I had been away. I was curious as to whether the nature of the cougar had changed not just in purpose by also in form. What I saw interested me. The layout of the land, the features, both the predators and the prey had all changed. The game has changed and it will never be the same again. Ever.
In purpose means that even though previously the cougar hunted to feed a basic deep-seated pathological need for control or a base human desire for physical contact and copulation, the current nature of the cougar has morphed in to a veiled, stealthy search for human connection. To reach out and touch another human being and not feel the dirt-related emotion of guilt often brought on by the exchange of gifts, money, or other incentives. There are emotions involved, feelings getting entangled, and dangerous liaisons.
The cougar now looks not for the sick, weak and dying prey; but the young, agile, and ambitious. My deduction is that this feeds their fixation with eternal youth, the search for relevance in a world that is fast changing, and the psychological need for re-assurance that age isn’t anything but a number. This is the new form I talked about above. The form has changed.
And the truth is that with this new form the game has taken the cougar hunter (or the hunted) must adapt. The oxymoronic nature of cougar hunting is perhaps one of its greatest attributes because the actual hunter (cougar) always plays the hunted while the hunted (cougar hunter) gains recourse and validation from playing the hunter. It’s no longer about how you look but what you know,;no longer about what you don’t have but what you aspire to; no longer about where you are from but how you connect with people. There is no place for insecurity and needy-ness. Well-rounded, balanced, mature, driven, energetic and empathetic is now in vogue.
Why? Because as the cougar hunter your duties now extend much further afield than any of your predecessors. You are the silent adviser, the ruthless guardian, the keeper of secrets, or simply a rake. You do not deliver command performances because you can but because they are required.
But above all, when it’s all done I guess the cougar hunter has his own brokenness which he feeds by doing what he does. Whatever pathology exists, it must never interfere with the job at hand. Never bribe you with ambition to go too far, or fast. Never deceive you with the notion of performance excellence. For in a game that sits subtly on the edge of egotism and self-gratification the perfect player must have no ego or satisfaction. He is after all the Van Helsing of cougars.
Below are what I think are some guidelines on how to navigate the new landscape:
1. Be simple and straight forward
2. Don’t talk about shit you don’t know. Stick with the topics you are flawless at. #ExceptFootball
3. Unlearn everything you think you know. Experience fucks with people, twists them, and sheers their perspectives of the world. You must be objective and receptive. Listen, internalize, understand, and shut up. You must #LearnWithoutPrejudging
4. Do not disclose unnecessary information. Answer what you are asked. Stay away from your life story. People have sadder, grittier tales than you think you have. #SaveItForSomeoneWhoCares
5. Be prepared to walk away from it without any signs of clinginess. The hunter who displays the least sign of creating collateral damage when it’s over will always get picked because he isn’t as big a risk. Clingy=Needy=CougarRepellant
6. Do you. Music, Movies, Food, Conversation, Friends. They are probably doing them too. These things allow you to have personality, character, a soul. Not a mimic. They allow you to have opinions, points of view and arguments. But they are also key to your veneer of normalcy. #NoOneWantsACreepEspCougars
7. Be bad. Not spoilt, just bad. The kind of guy they’ll tell their friends and nieces never to date. This only makes you more of a #GuiltyPleasure
8. When hunting, do not over dress, overuse cologne, over do anything. Too much effort indicates an insecurity which will be prized out before long and then you’ll have no allure. Seeming comfortable in your skin makes you an emotional face in the crowd #OrdinaryJoesHavePotentialToSurprise
9. Always wear clean underwear. Cougars are clean. They hate dirt near their pussies. UTIs, VD and all that shit they don’t need. Also, it says you are mentally not as dirty as the things you do to them. #CleanYourBusiness #NoUti #LeaveToliletSeatsDown
10. No matter what it looks like. You are not out till you are out. #ClosersAreBetterThanGentlemen
#BonusRule The following morning; call. Always call. Don’t Text, Call. If you break your leg, Call. If the grim reaper is standing at your door, Call. Call. Call. #InsecutiesThatMustBeCurbed